


Defiling Tony's Bathroom (OR The Countertop Club)

by cephalopodcat



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Other, he should have known better, it IS a nice bathroom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 23:16:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2247042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cephalopodcat/pseuds/cephalopodcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is a NICE bathroom.</p><p>Which is pretty much the very best reason why Steve is screwing his boyfriend in it. (And why he's not the only one to have done so.)</p><p>Tony runs Dna tests on that. And he realizes he did NOT want to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Defiling Tony's Bathroom (OR The Countertop Club)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Defiling Tony's Bathroom (OR The Countertop Club) 玷污Tony的浴室（或者说是大理石台面俱乐部）](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3947680) by [blakjc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blakjc/pseuds/blakjc)



> It was just amusement. That's all. Crack and amusement. And Tony's really expensive countertops. 
> 
> Props to Minstrel, my dear co-conspirator who is partly responsible for this.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr [here!](http://cephalopod-werecat.tumblr.com)

Steve and Bucky were fucking in Tony's really nice bathroom. It was the really nice one on the main floor of the tower, where the meeting room was and everything. The public space. Gorgeous black marble countertops in there. Bucky had always liked fancy bathrooms, said it was his goddamn right to a fancy-ass bathroom after what he'd been through. Said he might as well enjoy the perks. Especially if those perks involve Captain America fucking him into that really nice marble until he forgets how to form words.  
  
Plus the perks of defiling Tony's bathroom and leaving it defiled.  
_____________________

Tony runs DNA tests on that.  
And then he realizes he did NOT want to know.   
HE REALLY DIDN'T.

____________________

"Jarvis, you have that Dna match yet?" He's in the lab, screwing with some scraps and seeing if he can get his repulsor blasts to go fine enough to sear through a quarter without it completely vaporizing the metal. 

Jarvis' systems load the details on the screen in front of Tony. "Yes, sir. It belongs to one Steven Grant Rogers, and the second sample, one James Buchanan Barnes."

Tony freezes, staring at the boy scout-clean-and-fresh face of Captain America. 

".....OH MY GOD EW."

Jarvis does not reply, as Tony had not made an inquiry, and he had been programmed long ago to filter much of Tony's general expletives.

"MY BATHROOM. I need a new one. I need a new bathroom. Jarvis, tell Pepper we're getting a new bathroom put in."   
  
Jarvis complies.   
__________________

"Tony, why the hell are we getting--"

"DON'T ASK."  
__________________

And he can't even look at Bucky or Steve the next time they're in the same room.  
  
 "Steve." Bucky says, watching Tony carefully avoid all eye contact and start babbling to Bruce about whatever science bullshit it was.

"Yeah, Buck?" Steve's polishing his shield, doesn't even look up.

"What the hell is wrong with Stark?"

"....I have  _no_  idea. Is he acting weirder than usual?" Steve glances up, though Bucky can tell he's actually more concerned it's an impostor or something his soldier side should be prepared for. He frowns at Bucky, waiting for an answer.

Bucky looks at Tony throwing his arms wide and making all sorts of completely bizarre gestures in the air while Bruce just sips his tea. "...fair point."  
___________________________  
Tony kind of wants to go what the hell at them, but at the same time? No. No he does not. They DEFILED. His BATHROOM.  
HE DOES NOT WANT TO EVEN LOOK AT THEM. 

It is all of a week before he eventually goes what the hell anyway.  
Because he is Tony and he can't not.

The team is gathered in the main room, for no reason other than Tony told them all to be there. Most look mildly annoyed or bored, and Pepper looks like she might just see if she can't get to one of Clint's arrows and stab him with it if he doesn't have a good reason for interrupting her shower with this.

Tony clears his throat, stands up, and launches into it. "I'd like to address the team, there's an important thing i have to say? new rule. new rule that comes with the tower. Just a nice, polite, roommate agreement thing, yeah? No sex on the marble countertops in the shared places, or at least, for the love of god, bleach it down afterwards. You know who you are." And he sits down and immediately buries his face in a digital schematic of an AIM-bot they took down a few days ago.

Steve just looks around and pretends like he has NO idea what that was all about, and Bucky slowly tries to blow Tony's head up with just the force of his glare.  
  
For the record, Clint has the decency to go slightly pink and he leaves the room quickly afterwards, and Natasha is just  _smirking_  that Natasha smirk, and Thor is laughing in amusement and following Clint out, the beginnings of a teasing joke cut off by the elevator door, and Bruce has his hand over his face the whole time and is muttering quietly to himself about 'Jesus, Tony' and Pepper just looks mildly confused and then- "OH. Is that why we have a new bathroom, Tony?"

 And Sam is just side-eying Steve.

Sam knows. Because he knows Steve. And he knows that that innocent expression he has on right there is  _such bullshit._

SUCH BULLSHIT.

The real secret is that it's a NICE bathroom and every single one of them has had sex on that countertop at  _least_  once. 

If Tony wants this to stop he should really stop making such spacious, fuck-worthy bathrooms.

It certainly doesn't help the shower is enough for three people comfortably, and has one of those benches in it, and glass doors and handrails in just the right places...

Really, what else did he expect? Put crappy stalls in there next time if he  doesn't want people to fuck in there, don't create an environment that screams 'this is a place for fucking, let the fucking commence, yae verily'.  
  
Tony may or may not put up a sign that says EXACTLY that in The Captain's private bathroom suite a few weeks later when he renovates in THERE too, and Tony finds it folded in very crisp right angles in a triangle on his desk in the lab the next day, and Bucky has stolen his box of fruit loops. 

 It's revenge, clearly.  
  
And then Tony is left to wonder if they actually did bang on his desk or not.  
He bleaches it just in case, because no. Just no.

______________________

Thor eventually adopts the sign and hangs it above the microwave on his floor, and no one ever really asks WHY there. Thor tells them anyway. (He decrees his whole floor is a place of relaxation between battle, after all, and should that be sexual in nature, he wants them to know he has no qualms about the misuse of bathroom installments.)

Nobody takes him up on that. Or if they do, nobody's cared to share.

But then again, well.... Thor. All of Thor. Also, Thor's suite  _is_ pretty sweet. Who knows?

Tony decides all his friends are freaks. 

Thor just chuckles and grins and they are once again SO not sure what is going through that guy's head.   
  
And then Bucky just grins back and says "I'll keep that in mind, Pal."

And Thor laughs. And so does Steve.   
  
And everyone is a renewed level of mildly unsure who is sleeping with whom in the Tower.  
  
And Sam is now side-eyeing Thor. And wondering just how the hell he's living here with these people. He doesn't MIND, it's just, y'know. Completely crazy. Also a minefield of bullshitting, apparently.

____________________________

  
Tony offers him a drink. "You're welcome to leave anytime, buddy."  
  
"Nah." Sam says, accepting the scotch with a chuckle. "Steve may be one filthy son of a bitch in bed, but if I left..." He flashes a grin at Tony. "How would I ever be able to get another chance at letting Jim do me on that counter in your bathroom?"   
  
Tony chokes on his scotch. " _RHODEY?!_  You son of a bitch I'm going to-"  
  
"Relax, I'll bring my own bleach!"   
  
Rhodey has to have the best timing in the  _world,_ because when he walks in Tony just goes deadly silent, glances between them, and walks out, clapping his best friend on the shoulder and saying "Condoms are in the bottom drawer, so's lube. Three flavors, even! You enjoy yourself."   
  
And now Rhodey is side-eyeing Sam.  
  
"Do I want to know?" He asks, much less flustered than Sam thinks he would have been, but James Rhodes has also know Tony a lot longer, which apparently gives you some sort of immunity.   
  
"Bathroom counter missive. Also I kind of like messing with him." Sam explains.   
  
"Join the club." Rhodey says with a shrug, smiling at Sam.   
  
"Which one? The 'messing with Stark's head' club, or the 'I've fucked on the bathroom counter' club?" Sam is disappointed to find his drink is empty. Rhodey takes the glass and fills it again, leaning against Tony's bar as he hands it back.   
  
"Both?" Rhodey grins. "If you haven't joined the second one, I highly recommend it. It is a  _nice_  bathroom."   
  
Sam is side-eyeing Rhodey now. He is, possibly, the only sane man left. It is both his blessing and his curse, and dammit, now he can't stop thinking about having sex on that countertop.   
  
It  _is_ a nice bathroom.


End file.
